I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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