my phone needs a breathalizer
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
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He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
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Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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