What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
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I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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