I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
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I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
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I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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