guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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