she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
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He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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