He felt like a one man threesome
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
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and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
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PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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