I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My life is pants optional.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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