you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
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you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
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In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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