She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
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I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
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I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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