wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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