you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
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how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
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I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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