I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
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when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
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Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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