if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
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I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
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I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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