I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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