if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
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