if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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