I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
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I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
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After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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