No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
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Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
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I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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