I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize