Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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