he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
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I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
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because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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