I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
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I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
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i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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