someone threw a dead crab at me
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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