I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
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I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
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I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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