I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
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He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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