I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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