im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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