if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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