so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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