I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
she told me i tasted like america
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So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
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If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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