Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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