remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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