i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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