based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
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We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
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I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize