someone get that fucking seahorse.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
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It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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