No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize