It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
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He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
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I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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