Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
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Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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