it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
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You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
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So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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