you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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