Umm I'm too high to move.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
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you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
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Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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