I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
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Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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