I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
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her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Found the puke drawer
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just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
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