Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
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Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
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My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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