I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
her facebook's as public as her vagina
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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