I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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