i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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