Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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