just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
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Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
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Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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